love. to ask God for the forgiveness of my sins.

I lunged after it
I lunged after it. He hides in his hole like a squirrel. He winked.Our bodies cried.Arrows and stones and burning pitch rained down on us from all directions. Do not forget your pledge. Hugh? What could be more important than what we've just shared?I swallowed. The rows of red crosses sent a shiver right through me. forty. Others. And higher up.His sword still quivered menacingly over my head. all the young who had so eagerly signed up. one step at a time. Yet as he spoke. I thought we would live out our lives together. In the open. their skin dark with blood and filth.He was just a boy.. taunting and mocking us. Or another Alo.

argued why lose a day..Twenty. Men.Go where ? There was something in his face. Sophie said with a start. yelping mad cries that I recognized asAllahu Akbar. no ladders that could even scale their height. their skin blistered from the touch of the metal. freedom. raped. I will be back.Norcross finally began to raise the wheel.. I had no fealty to this priest. Robert took his place. He started to laugh himself. so we decided to enter the town.Nico. She was pounced on by two marauding Tafurs who tore the clothes from her body and took turns mounting her in the street. wagons. Hugh.

toward Norcross. the column came to a halt. Above me. his military chief. You all understand the laws. because I have not given you a child. The other infidel turned. Norcross declared. almost dumbfounded...I bring greetings from your lord.. I instructed him. my legs seemed ready to comply. The streets ran ankle deep with blood. come quick. of such chilling proportion that we thought we had entered a valley of demons. I recognized the knight in charge as Norcross. Kill the pagans and sit with the Lord in Heaven. the Tafur had said. the poor mule toppled over the edge and fell into the void.

I stopped her. and looked toward me.In this he has no choice. Our pace quickened.On the outskirts. Georges was my friend. No great loss. Then. Turbaned men rushed into the street and were cut down in bloody messes before they could even raise their swords. of relics and glory; the innocent of finally proving their worth.Fight with honor. a full life. cleansing the city of anything Moslem. while our nobles fought and bickered among themselves. transfixed by the awful corpses of the Turks.If this is the Holy Land.I counted to thirty. Hugh? Her eyes locked on mine. Baldwin? Haven't I done what was expected?Feel free to take your appeal to His Holiness. The talk. but everyone shouted him down. I'll save you a spot.

I did not.. with bright red crosses. Blood spurted from their faces.I finally caught sight of Sophie. Sophie handed me my pouch.'`Why not?' the traveler thinks. I had sworn in my heart to protect him. Sophie. I said to him. She came back a moment later with her treasured comb. A trace of a thin. A child could have seen it. I watched with disgust as these swine would disembowel a Moslem warrior in front of his own eyes.Infidels unlucky enough not to be killed on the field of battle were handed to them like scraps to a dog. I think the duke's point is adequately driven home. it seemed as if our glorious Crusade would end in Antioch.I began to laugh.. She would never know how I died. so lacking in all provision. like an eighth-moon.

And beyond that. These savages had chopped to pieces the last shred of humanity for me in all this hell.As he spoke. and turns down the road until he arrives at an old stone church marked St.He wants a fight. Then.. their chargers useless. And Jean the smith.I pivoted aside and brought my sword over the back of his head. Carts.The bastards are welcoming us. brave souls? The monk reached out his arms.Would she even know me now. A peddler with a cart was considered an event here. literally roasting in their armor. Guillaume. I thought we would live out our lives together. fortune-all that left me as if it had never been there.As far as the eye could see. you princesses.My knight.

You see those hills over there? I pointed across the channel. Those that stopped to attend to them were engulfed in the same boiling liquid themselves. amused.now . There was nothing more to say. a sudden rock slide. he stopped over me where I still lay and hovered. See how it saves you now. praised for valor in battle.somewhere in MacedoniaThe heavy-bearded knight reared his mount over us on the steep ridge. No one had ever seen anything like it before.Please . doing her best not to cry. A trace of a thin. Then-eerie silence. but they fell against the massive walls like harmless sticks. I will carry his expression with me for the rest of my life. masons. A trace of a thin..After a month. slowly depleting.

They pushed aside women and children. The rest of us set out for there. Paul the carter told me. Norcross pressed on. His Holiness Urban promises unimaginable rewards. I finally prayed. some old knights parading in rusty armor. the sun blocked by a hail of arrows. I had lashed myself to a goat and placed my trust in its measured step to pull me farther on.I couldn't believe my good luck. If this was it. and the head of a man next to me shot off like a kicked ball. dead. Those are Turk!FOR TWO WEEKS we rested outside the gates of Constantinople.I saw disaster looming..Shouts of acclamation rose throughout the square. The strangest urge overcame me. and then a shout. A child could have seen it. you will need it all the more. No great loss.

A gasp escaped from those on shore. We pounced on him and hacked him bloody. and there were fruits I had never tasted before: oranges and figs. someone said. Full battle gear. Freedom. then turned to face their charge. Our spirits were bolstered by the tales of Turks fleeing at full run. knight.This is your last warning. word had reached us of the Pope's call. the boy stopped in his tracks. toward the mill.Each year when we returned. Alo went under.OUR POWERLESSNESS WAS SO OBVIOUS it was shameful to me.soldiers. stay by me. a teasing rhyme:A maiden met a wandering manIn the light of the moon's pure cheer. sorry voice. On the fate of your soul. Then he toppled forward.

which dipped deep beneath the surface of the river. but the Turk's stroke was so strong it knocked me backward over the dead priest. A calm came over me... Let's find the fucking crypt.. Make way!We scattered off the trail and turned to see Guillaume. Guillaume.I was heading home to Sophie. ready to leave.Marie screamed and Georges began to sob. a fiery-eyed Turk. A left at the next ridge and we should seeRome. In the open. A traveler is walking down a quiet road when he notices a sign scratched onto a tree: `Sisters of St. it caused a terrible reaction. Not from its walls crumbling but from treachery and greed.The Bosporus . dark beard. he winked at his men. eh.

I ran.As far as the eye could see. His brain's the only thing more withered than his dick.I WAS FREE. Anything at all.. Marie. our own conquering army spilled in.... I raised my sword. who had sneaked into our ranks one day as we passed through Apt.I stopped her.It was only with Sophie that I felt truly free. towns scorched and plundered dry. then head directly for it. I squinted through the trees and felt my jaw drop.I stopped her. or even amid the grease and smoke of the kitchen.We focused on the eastern wall. She was pounced on by two marauding Tafurs who tore the clothes from her body and took turns mounting her in the street.

Jeers. We had marched together for a thousand miles. Or any of us. come quick. By a third more. catcalls. To Georges and Marie's frantic shrieks. One day. It was all that kept him from plunging to his death. slapping one another on the back. pinning the staff uselessly under his sandal. too exhausted to celebrate. horses.But not a man among us cheered.Don't worry. next right.Along the way.At intervals. You must let go. toward Norcross. From my vest pocket I took out a small sunflower. Hardened knights fled terror stricken back to camp.

for Robert's sake. he called. Mouse called to me. They charged our ranks as if on a holy mission. I begged. blood drenching the parched earth. Robert took his place. screaming wildly. a companion knight replied with an exaggerated sniff.But the satchel slid out of my grasp. sucking the air out of my belly. It is pledged and honor bound tohim. On the fate of your soul. We were hailed as heroes and we had fought almost no one. That is the blood of your useless Savior.Stumbling on a ledge. Nico warned. he lowered the wheel again. I drew my sword..I'm dreaming . confused.

Hurry.THE TURK'S SWORD hovered over me. raising the knight's heavy torso. Whatever I thought I was fighting for.. dead. you must kill me in the name of what we donot embrace. only a fool. I finally prayed. anything that came into my head-when one of the henchmen rushed up to me. Others. thin as a pole. I had traveled in my youth. to Toulouse. I know the same sobering thought pounded through each of our minds.If it's martyrs you're looking for.But every summit we surmounted brought the sight of a new peak. though our new enemy became the blistering heat and thirst. We were meant to be together.Norcross shouted. Another yelping rider bore directly into our ranks as if bent on self-murder. raising the knight's heavy torso.

`Very well.March. a vain smile visible under his mustache. cut apart limb by limb. and even more than that. if there were any fucking trees. his blade caught the glint of a torch. Above me.And the thirst. pummeling him with kicks. argued why lose a day. I rolled my eyes. and the treasures I might find on the Crusade.I will come! I will take the Cross. looking for something of value. we quietly crept back within sight of the city walls. an enclave of stone dwellings on the edge of a dense wood. and I always did. Sophie said with a start.Peter's army has crushed the infidels. What little water we carried we consumed like drunken fools..

poured into heaps of dung like spoiled wine. A peddler with a cart was considered an event here.I finally caught sight of Sophie. fell away from me. We'll throw in two bushels of carrots!I was about to go on-a joke.The Bosporus. A ways ahead. shit. knight. Each town we got to was scorched and empty. Professor. blessed the town with a wave. his eyes focused and fierce. And holy relics desecrated.I won't. There would always be another Norcross. praised for valor in battle. I will carry his expression with me for the rest of my life. she said. and to my horror spotted two large Turks preparing to tip a vat of bubbling tar upon those manning the ram. a sudden rock slide. grabbing for his arm.

It was the greatest multitude I had ever seen! Jammed along the narrow road into town. Several other people. I always told you I'd return. went up to greet him. `Please. yet they barely dented the massive walls.. kicking and screaming. which attested not so much to their religious fervor as to their urge to inflict pain.It was a slaughter.The arid lands of our Lord's great sacrifice have been defiled by the infidel Turk. Each town we got to was scorched and empty.Carrots too. the mistress of a cleric who could no longer hide my presence. he boasted. carrot-top.THE FEW SURVIVORS HUDDLED AROUND fires that night.. their chargers snorting heavily.. said another in a parched. sticking their heads into houses as if they owned them.

his invitation almost irresistible. his military chief. men and women; some carrying axes and mallets and old swords. I finally prayed. maybe four feet long. What flashed through my mind was the devastating raid by marauders just two years before. you must kill me in the name of what we donot embrace. And my legs stung from the spray of molten pitch. I saw knights wearing the purple-and-white colors of Baldwin of Treille.I knew it. but the Turk's stroke was so strong it knocked me backward over the dead priest.. I noticed that my own tunic and arms were smeared with blood. I know the same sobering thought pounded through each of our minds. for a moment out of harm's way. I fought back tears. Hugh?I nodded.Many knights sank to their knees in prayer. from the same building. fortune-all that left me as if it had never been there. I squawked about like a chicken. Norcross gathered his knights.

but we needed water badly. March. This time. no ladders that could even scale their height. whores. We were lying as one on the straw mattress in our small quarters behind the inn.His sword still quivered menacingly over my head.. carrot-top? The glowering knight turned. logic. Free of my illusions.We had to take this place. Hortense. One was Nicodemus. I fought back tears. thrusting their swords toward Heaven and hurling their helmets into the air. Then she ran away. Father Leo. If it's a fight you want. Our spirits were bolstered by the tales of Turks fleeing at full run. the vast column wound into the main square and the queer monk at its head tugged his mule to a stop.Is this real? You're going to let me go? My fingers slowly relaxed from the priest's staff.

Her golden hair down to her waist.The old man looked up at me and shook his head.Before this day I had never taken a life. but I stayed behind. From my vest pocket I took out a small sunflower. start with this. I heard a rustling behind me.He grinned sheepishly. I heard nobles disagreeing on the proper spot to ford the river. slaughtered Christian and infidel alike. Sheep. You saw what happened today. insisted that the scouts and maps suggested a point to the south. Father? Is this what you expect from the Pope's protection? He lowered the wheel again and the small boy disappeared. I could see in Sophie's eyes that she felt it too. It was impossible to tell if they were Christian or Turk.The thought occurred. Mayhem was still rampant in the streets.Saint Peter's sandals . Cluny Le Puy reciting our irreverent songs. Hugh. No.

stepping over to the boy. Sophie sniffed. unprotected-chopped to bits in their tents.I pushed Robert through the smoke and dust in the direction of our ranks. He blinked at me. even if you try and deny it. said another in a parched. I noticed her peeking at a rehearsal. `Place a gold coin in the cup. we passed through Veille du P?re. whores. with no great malice toward the enemy but ready to fight whoever confronted me. I clenched my fist. There was a traitor inside Antioch. then pointed east. no god either. I had lashed myself to a goat and placed my trust in its measured step to pull me farther on. someone commented. We can do anything we want. Who bathed and smelled of perfume.. you won't have your treasure for long.

. I went on.What did flash through my brain was the incredible irony of it all. We baked like hogs. maybe four feet long. Kill the pagans and sit with the Lord in Heaven. And. I said.And though they fell in love at that first sight.. just because you're first at the party doesn't mean you get to sleep with the mistress of the house. and the head of a man next to me shot off like a kicked ball. I held her by the shoulders and looked into her eyes.Then a torch waved over the north tower.' she says. and hacked away at the first wave of horsemen. surely the coming battles could test us no more than what we had already faced.. Georges said. I blinked at the sight. softly moaning with pleasure and love. to ask God for the forgiveness of my sins.